asagisi daha once bunalim bi anda yazdigim bi yazidir, evet ingilizcedir, bazen yapiyorum boole seyler affola. satir aralarini anlyanlar bana haber versin, surpriz hediyelerimiz var...
i don't really feel like writing anymore. maybe it's because i have to write a paper, or that i'm already grown up and there is no need for me to write. or maybe, just maybe i accepted the fact that life is supposed to be lived alone (no need to write for someone, capish?). but than again, everything is in my head, right? (maybe my head is in everything and i'm just a little life whore). and i really love my head, seriously, literally, don't get me wrong. taking the things from reality (what is reality, well I'll come to that later), it (my head) turns and twists them (reality that is) and puts everything back, in an 'into your face' manner and there you go, your life is fucked up all over again. OR it might execute the other function (IF NOT THEN>), taking things and making you feel like as if you're in heaven, where everything is possible and you're literally the king of the world.
what on earth i'm doing on earth? question that's been baffling my 'head' (haha, funny) for the last years (i can't really give an exact number, can i? after all i have "the amnesia") well at first, i thought that i was here just because some people liked the idea of me being here. then came the era of the purpose. i should have had a purpose, if not then i should simply not exist. but i did, ergo, the purpose (yes, i like matrix and i'm, proud of it). then there was the god and it had created everything to exprience him being god (a little selfish, but hey he's cool anyway). and i was to do the same (you may think this is the same with the idea of the purpose but it’s not, haha I told you it’s all about the ‘head’). finally (meaning nowadays) i feel like all I have to do is to figure out in what ways I can fuck up this life, if possible, and inspire others to do the same. (you don’t get it, do you? well you will, sooner than you think. And you’ll know what I meant just a sentence ago).
Oh I know, it’s all because of those fucked up people, that i’m thinking in these ways. Why not? just blame them and feel the giult no more. I felt their pain through their tears, I tried but couldn’t tell them my tears. they wouldn’t understand anyway, can they? I felt the anger through others’ sweet lies, just so they can have the power to exist in a world where everything is pain. I tried to tell them the truth through my laughter but they didn’t get it, just so they can feel the power to be alive. I looked into their eyes, deep blue or deep blue (they’re everywhere, aren’t they, those blue eyed bastards) eyes of theirs, begging for understanding. and I did understand, but did they understand me (hah another funny thing, do they ever try?) but no worries, I’m here to help you master, I’ll rise when you need me.
then again the blue eyes looking through me, with tears droping from the beautiful lashes; came the dizziness. faint blows from the wind did make me come to my senses, but it never asked if I ever wanted to leave the dream that I had in my head. (I hope you already got the gist to see where it all is) he held me then and a drop of tear came down from my eye, only one and only from one eye (I’m serioudly wird), I wanted to scream everything into his ears untill they bled. but no I couldn’t. why? no answer for that from me mr. I would just tell you go fuck yourself, but I couldn’t do that either. see, I haven’t found myself yet. I’m still growing. it’s the process.
yes, I’ll be leaving soon. but don’t worry I’ll be back. just need a long sleep. and ok, I just changed the anser to the question that’s been fucking me up. I’m here to find myself (that’s my puspose) and when I do find myself then I’ll find god as well (because I’m one part god, one part spiced rum, pinch of raspberry juice, ah and don’t forget the ice cubes). so yeah it’s all intermingled, tangled, and connected. until the next time I find you in my own cobwebs. may the love be with you…